Early Beanie Technology

Where did the propeller idea come from? I've never actually seen a Whirly Bird. Do they exist? Did helicopters just report traffic via balloons? And what came first... the rubber band or the propeller. Remember those Balsam Wood Gliders that propelled themselves by winding the propeller till the rubber band was twisted in knots? And if you were lucky they'd land safely on their wired axles & 2 plastic coat buttons. We've come along way since Balsam Wood Pterodactyls & Hot Air Blowfish.

The Pipe Accordion

Well as frightening as the term 'Accordion Player' is for some people, there is an even more unsettling extreme currently making the rounds. Near Vatican Square there is a busker named Guiseppi Squeezie who daily assaults the air every Saturday & Sunday with his Cathedral & Gothic Pipe Accordion. Using a howler monkey with a tin cup he does very well because patrons figger if he makes enough money he will quit. Some have reported these blaring irreverent tones but police can't seem to apprehend the man because no one knows what he looks like.

The Flying Red Carpet

Pretty sure Arabs have their celebrities & big movie premieres. Must be quite a scene as they all arrive on their stretched flying red carpets. And with the world going through it's current economic crunch, i'm sure a few arrive on their flying red paper towels. I wonder if they have the Smart Carpet? Do ecological conscious Arabs ride around on doormatts?

Cocktail Spaniel

I think it might be time to have a special category for those Pageantry Dog Shows. A special category for dogs rarely represented. Have a chair toss for the Jerry Springer Spaniels. A whiffle ball toss for zippy Red bulldogs. Or maybe a swimsuit competition for the Chiwowows. If nothing else, at least a happy hour for St. Bernards, Cocktail Spaniels & Jack Daniel Terriers. [Or an unhappy hour for Basset Hounds]

I-Mac

People have requested a photo of me... so here eye am. Luckily i didn't blink & this photo didn't get that red eye effect. I love to people watch & work at the local hospital in the ICU. & although i never completed my eye exam in optomerty school, i was always my teachers star pupil.

"Claws"

Click-Clikc! Click-Click! Click-Click-Snap!!! The movie title 'Jaws', on it's own, sells tickets. Just the thought & sound of it is frightening & intriguing. "Paws" would have been too cute & maybe only frightening to mailmen & mice. ["Of Mice & Mailmen]. & "Gnaws" almost works but really, what crowd would flee from nibbling beavers? "Claws" however, i strongly believe, would work. Crabs are weird & frightening. The theme would be played on castanets instead of a cello & the end of the movie would feature some salty dog wielding a giant 9-foot shell cracker.

Pimped Out Mr. Peanut

Or perhaps it's just Mr. Peanut on casual Friday. Trading in his monocle for a grill & his Top Hat for a backward ball cap, he is ready to get his swagger on. Perhaps he is setting a trend. C'mon Ms Butterworth, isn't it time to don a pair of Michelle Obama shorts & some bling? Hey Morton Salt girl... how about a spaghetti top & tramp stamp? Yo Yo Pillsbury Do' Boyee! Lose the chef hat & Get a Kangol Hat. Word!

Wildly Entertaining Boar

The name says it all. Normally docile & rigidly dull, this feller decided to learn mad skills & join the circus. He hopes one day to prove for all boorish kind, that stereotypes are unfair & yield false impressions. It's ok for a Sea Mussel to be flabby, a Squirrel can be lazy regardless of his bright eyes & bushy tail & a Great Dane can simply remain average. So don't assume you know the species the next time you run into a Drone Bee or Happy Clam.

Playing The Big-Mouthed Bass

I once went to enjoy a Stand-Up Bass at the Improv & really didn't find it particularily funny. Also on the bill was a Big-Mouthed Bass. Well, the sound was good, but at times it was just downright obnoxious. Pianissimo! Pianissimo!

The trio also included a Piano Tuna & a Harp Seal.

Origami Bob Bumps His Head

Well sure, i guess i could have drawn swirling paper cranes... Maybe i should have said "Amateur Origami Craftsman Bob Bumps His Head." But it does beg the questions... Does an air force general see stealth's? Does a comic see rubber chickens? Cavemen see pterodactyls? You try one... What would Colonel Sanders See?

Slip N' Slide Cruises

Perfect for the folks who are afraid of the water... enjoy the New Mexican Riviera, enjoy the banks of Toledo, Ohio... [which are actually ATMs], or cruise down the exotic shores of Riverside County. Book your road trip today on the SS Winnebago World Cruise.

Texas Stilt Walker

Stilt walkers are an interesting entertainment phenomenon. Although hired mostly for their visibility & heads above the rest... let's face it... they are quite simply… just tall. [To be fair, however, they are more talented than say a man in a cherry picker...] So whether they have 4 knees or 5, 8 pockets or 9 it's all the same... tall or taller. Except for the Texas Stilt Walker. Here it's about how bowed they are. What's their sway & swagger ratio... can you drive a VW through their legs or an oil truck. And how many spurs... 6 or 7. So kudos to the Texas Stilt Walker... Yee High!

Twitter Pidgeons

The one thing constant is change. No matter how hard i try i always end up with jingling pockets & jars full of nickels & dimes. But i digress... Today's homing pigeon need not brave the elements & fly through sleet & snow. Today he's tech savvy & can now simply twitter messages once strapped to his drumstick. What's next for these once purposeful avian pilots? Recumbent perches.

Panda Mascara

I wonder, do Pandas hide their giant mascara brushes in their Bamboo Grass? Maybe it's time for a Panda make over? I've heard Mabellene uses animal testing for some of their make-up... are the animals required to use a #2 eyeliner pencil? And what does the future hold? Green Eyeshadow Raccoons? Goth Pandas? Glitter Cheeked Squirrels?

Monster Shopping Carts

This must be what a Smart Car owner feels like in every supermarket parking lot. [Incidentally, all this month, Costco is offering a great deal on a case of Smart Cars] I think shopping carts should be added to the Ascot Speedways Demolition Derby. I'm not much of a practical joker, but if i were, i'd love to run one of these with a remote control & haunt classic cars & pristine paint jobs... i'd even follow them home. But for now, if you see one of these carts traveling on it's own & you hear a cello playing the 'Jaws' theme, don't hesitate... kill it!

Man Tank

What if Darwin were dyslexic? What if humans actually crawled INTO the ocean to become fish? Would we try to fish for humans using a cheeseburger for bait [Or Red Velvet Cake... mm mmm, i'm so caught!]

Would we end up in carnivals & be awarded as a prize in a plastic baggy? Think of all the possibilites & reversed references... "Any 4's?" "Nope... go human!"

Lollipopaloosa

298... 299... 30-- Crunch. 300!

They say there is a sucker born every minute... maybe this is their DNA. And this would be easier & safer to share. There is always that uncontrollable urge to want a lick of another's sucker. And now you don't have to be stingy since there's plenty to share. This is almost as plentiful as a candy corn on the cob. Bon Appétit... crunch! really?

Joke Shop Owner Walking His Pet

Some times he drags a rubber chicken & sometimes he spends a few hours at the invisible dog park. The whoopee cushions are not allowed on the couch & his dog is not allowed to drink from the dribble toilet. So if you stop in to visit, Beware of Chattering Teeth!

Chocolate Aunts

Yum! This is almost nostalgic to me. Sure they're not welcome at a Diabetic picnic & i know the chocolate ant farm never caught on [Melted], but for me, these precursers to sprinkles are a fantastic & delicious memory. And if i were fortunate & had a real life Chocolate Aunt, i'd let her tweek my cheek & give me a chocolate kiss every day!

The Yellow Cardigan Hornet

I've never been stung by a Yellow Jacket, nor a Beige Duster, but they do seem visually frantic. So i figger to bring them some calm, if scientists can create the 'Killer' Bee, then why can't they come up with a 'Passive' Hornet? Instead of a stinger, how about a noogy knuckle?

Early Gun.

Hypothesis... which came first... the gun or the bullet? Did cavemen throw bullets at each other? Did the Romans catapult bullets into competing castles? Did bank robbers just hold up a bullet & say, "Give me your money or i'll pelt you!" Hmmm, didn't they used to make lil flag banners that said 'Bang!' for your index finger? Remember how you used to point a rubber band at someone & they'd flail around & ask you to stop. But when you'd point just your empty finger... nothing. So it's clear to me. The bullet came first.