The Faberge Football

Let me just say, Ow!!!!!!!!!!! I get how beautiful these Faberge eggs are & it's probably worth the trouble for the Easter Bunny to use a dolly to transport them to our porches... but the Faberge Football... not so useful. Sure it would have made for a more spectacular field goal & spiking the ball might have left some hefty divots but a game of 10 yard passes & 5 yard field goals just doesn't sound that exhilerating.

Duck Ejection

Wow. Wouldn't that be wonderful. Hunters could still have their sport & the duck could fight yet another day. Bears could just go buy another coat, Deer another hat... but be careful though... you don't want to accidentally shoot a team mascot in the wild. And on that note, where did they find the Philadelphia fanatic? 3 mile isl?

Jewish Cowboy

Wyatt Epstein was easily recognized by his 10 gallon yarmulka. Although history tells of his heroics in the shoot out at the Oy Ve Corral, the truth is he was actually not there & down at the local medicine show applying ointment on his itchy trigger finger. Years later Wyatt gathered & herded poodles for Gucci Gus's Wild Rodeo Drive Circus & ran the Whiplash Pony rides.

The Bi-Enterprise

So charming were the days of yore... the Starship Enterprise did not start off fast & furious... it also had it's heyday & evolution. Did you know it started as a skateboard? My favorite Enterprise model was the 2 seater Cherokee Enterprize... [Did you know that even majestic birds like the eagle & the hawk, once began as double winged bi-birds? Did you know they also started off as skateboards?] You didn't know?

Fried Eggplant

Perfect for vegans... how do you want your eggplant? Over medium? Soft boiled? Scrambled? Poached? It also comes with toastplant. [And no, there is no baconplant... that would be silly!] Now if you'll excuse me, i must go draw a deviled eggplant.

Cool Potato

This fashionable approach isn't always chic. Sliding a pair of sunglasses up above your forehead is a signal to others you are unafraid to dart indoors & outdoors on a whim. You are a bold explorer. But contacts stuck to one's forehead just looks silly. One lady in Alabama lost several pairs of sunglasses in her bufont & had to use Google maps to locate them. A monicle would make you look like a doctor in a vaudeville sketch & a pair of Beaglepuss glasses would make you appear arrogant... best to keep your nose clean!

Hambone Hero

Very popular in Tennesee. There's also Tambourine Hero, Spoons Hero & Whistling Hero. [Hambone Hero offers extra points if you can add an audible "Eefin eifin"]

King Thong

I tried to think of a new scarier monster that we've never seen before then i realized... why not just update the classics... A big monkey in a thong... EW!!!! "He's bending over... Don't look don't look... run!" Next up, Godzilla playing an accordion!

Migrating Angels

I think the question is how long is their season? We all need angels... Should we head South in the Winter to remain blessed? [And where's the rally monkey?] I guess the incentive for them to head South is that those angels who stay back will end up sitting on a Xmas tree for most of December & that certainly has it's down/up points.

Marionette Round-up

This one is pretty self explanatory... if you were going to round up hand puppets well then... you'd just hire ranch hands. [I don't know what the deal is but the head keeps falling off my Marie Marionette.]

Stone Airplane

History is aware of the magnitude & importance of the invention of the wheel. But they seemed to have miss an even greater more advanced occurance & that is from the class clown Uggwa Nugduh & his airplane made of stone.

Picasso's Hula Hoop

Although eventually successful, Picasso's many attempts with Cubism were often very disappointing. Case in point, his seemingly amusing square hoop was very difficult to master & therefore never really caught on.

Trucker Roller Skating.

The only thing missing here are his roller skate mud flaps... which if apropos should sparkle with a metallic Michelle Kwan. If you ever see one of these fellers at the rink, make sure you pass on the right otherwise you may cause an unwarranted jack knife.

The Whiffle Bat

Made from winding oak root & willow bark, this bat is very aero-dynamic with a loop to loop tracker & global positioning wind sock. Why the whiffle is not part of the Olympics yet i have no idea. [It sure would make the shot put more interesting!]

Catching the Elusive Xmas Angel

Some folks have butterfly collections, some folks have flittering bug collections... the best time to hunt for these heavenly creatures is between December 26th - January 2nd. Usually they are set free & can be lured in with a box propped up with a stick & a small piece of Angel Food cake.

Guitaur

Before strolling minstrels canvassed the medieval hills, i believe it was termed the pre-minstrel era, 1/2 guitar, 1/2 Horse creatures roamed the forests & towns adding a soundtrack of quaint musical calm & folklore to these early times of yore. This particular beast illustrated here is a ukulaur... which was not nearly as popular & often considered the mule of the breed. Eventually they fell out of favor due to the insurgence of Lutinannies, Lyres & Cheats.

Retired Tennis Judge

The tall chair always amazed me. They never show these referees climbing up or sticking their dismount. & i wonder if at home they sit on a stack of bean bag chairs or if they have cathedral style ceilings? Do they make recumbent tennis judge chairs? & if you pass a cherry tomato & it misses the dining table do you hear a loud, "Fault!" If they sell folding tennis chairs somewhere, please let me know. I will never again have to worry about getting a good seat at any theater in the park events.

A Bum Steer

Every now & then, along comes one of these & as quaint as they are, we need to put our hand up & say, "Talk to the hoof" & let them pass us by.
[It's also a little bit funnier if you notice the hay in his napsack]

Eskie Moe the Clown

Some how... some where... an invisible dog became a staple in a clowns arsenal of funny props. So i figgered the more invisible dogs, the more funny it is. [Not to mention the clowns huge tennis racquets.]

Aunt Eater

Ok, ok... this one is easy... But every now & then it's good to give your brain a break. They say that genius is 99% perspiration... so here i am saving the world from any unnecessary stench or frivolous use of auntie deodorant.